Why am I so afraid?

“Sweat, tension, my throat is tight. I gaze downstream. That’s where I must head. That’s where I want to go. Tears stream down my cheek. In a panic, gasping for air and tensely, I grip my paddle. My boat capsizes. Bruises on my leg. I don’t know how quickly I should escape my boat. My hair still dry. The fear in my eyes. Why did I want this again?”

Pure Panic

This describes my fear, the fear of being underwater. It’s sheer panic. I describe it as something that seems not to belong to this life but perhaps from something earlier, a primal fear. I can’t pinpoint anything in this life that could have caused this fear. Why have I been panicking all my life? So much so that I sit crying by the river when I want to go canoeing?

The gift my fear gave me was the desire to do something about it. I was eager to sail on beautiful rivers, visit extraordinary places. Enjoy camping by the river, take to the water, and end the day with a meaningful conversation by the campfire. So, I increasingly asked myself, why am I so afraid? This question led to more questions and helped me gain insight into my fear of water and other fears.

When am I afraid?

One question I asked myself was, when am I actually afraid? On, in, or under the water? Generally, I’m fine on the water. Certainly, if it’s calm, then there’s no fear. It only starts when I’m about to fall into the water. This used to happen when my canoe tilted too much. Then, in panic, I’d grasp the bottom of my boat looking for something to hold on to. And you might guess, that’s exactly when you end up swimming.

This brings me to my biggest fear; I am afraid in and especially under water. In the water, I’m okay if it’s calm. Then I can swim, especially if I know where the ground is and it’s not covered in slimy, weird-feeling stuff. But when it gets deeper below me, I feel this endless abyss beneath me, which makes me anxious. As if there are monsters lurking. If I unexpectedly go under, it gets even worse, terrible. And that’s the problem with my sport, kayaking. In white water, I don’t have control over swimming, and my first reaction is to stand and escape. And that’s precisely what you should NOT do in white water.

What kind of fear is it?

So, I am afraid, especially underwater. But what kind of fear is that? We know several types of fear. Fear is not inherently bad and will never completely disappear. It’s part of us. Normal fear is actually quite handy, especially if your house is on fire and you’d better flee.

Fear of something from the past or the future can be quite obstructive. Fear of the past is based on a previous experience. You’re afraid it will happen again, as in my case, I was afraid of capsizing my kayak again. Fear of the future is all in our heads, arising because something is unknown and unclear. You imagine scenarios, like perhaps now around the atrocities happening in the world and what their consequences might be. Before I step into a boat on an unknown river, I also feel fear.

Then there’s the fear from our living system. Our society is structured around fear, such as our reward system, our work system, and our insurances. You’re not allowed to work from home but must work in the office because your boss doesn’t trust you, afraid you won’t work well/enough. My fear is mainly in my head, stemming from previous experiences and making it exciting when I have to do something unknown.

What’s behind my fear?

When you know more about your fear, you look deeper into that fear. In my case, I asked: why am I so afraid, is it the water or something else? What’s the worst that can happen? Behind many fears lie basic fears. These include fear of failure, criticism, poverty, or loss of loved ones. With my fear of being underwater, it’s clear I’m afraid of drowning, and that’s the basic fear of ‘dying’. And when you’re young, you don’t want to die at all, nor when you’re older, especially if you enjoy life and feel happy.

I’ve come to view death differently. Because actually, there’s nothing terrible about dying (…I think). At least not for yourself. In my fear of being underwater, drowning, it might be less pleasant, but soon your physical system stops, and you ‘depart’. Dying is only bad for those around you. With these insights into my fear, I found a way to face my fears with courage and confidence. Sailing, sailing, and more sailing. That’s what I’ve been doing, every moment, every year, every summer.

Unraveling Your Fear?

Do you also want to learn more about your own fear and take the first step to unravel it? Then I invite you to take part in the accompanying free challenge. If you’re serious about tackling your fear theme, follow the online training or book your Touch of Flow journey.